Moving On...

Those first couple of days were rough. But I have an amazingly sensitive (though he may deny it if you ask him), thoughtful and supportive husband. I have a gloriously enchanting little girl. And I have the support and caring of so many wonderful friends and family.

It still stings some and I still have that longing. But overall I feel like I have adjusted pretty well to the concept that this isn't the time for us to have a baby. But that just means that there is something else on the horizon for us! And I'm pretty excited for what that could be.

I'm exploring the idea of going back to work. Hmmmm... maybe exploring is too active a term for it. I'm mulling it over right now. We'll see where that thought takes me. It may be (aka probably is) premature, as Matt and Annika both need cared for.

The holidays make you remember what it's really all about. Not the presents or the trees or the santas. Family and faith. That's what it's about. And how can you be upset or sad when your surrounded by love?

Happiness

Thank goodness I have this little miracle to keep my mind busy and off things I don't need to dwell on.

the lab results are in...

On Friday my HCG was 23, which was pretty low compared to what we would have liked to see. But it was still positive, so we remained cautiously optimistic!

But today when i went in for follow up labs, my HCG had dropped to 5. Meaning that i WAS pregnant, but it just didn't last.

It's pretty heartbreaking. We discussed what we would do and how we might feel if it worked or didn't work, but really hadn't even began to contemplate the risk of miscarriage.

We appreciate everyone's well wishes and prayers! This Thanksgiving we will count our blessings and cherish these moments that we have as a family.

Couldn't Help Myself...

I took a HPT. Okay I took 2. They were both negative. I know it's too early. But I just couldn't help it. The urge was too strong.

And now, even though I technically know it was too soon, my heart is heavy. I didn't cry the first time. I knew I was being silly. But today when I took the second test...I sobbed. It's really hard knowing that I might not have any more children. I literally have all my eggs in this one basket.

Yeah yeah yeah we could always do it again some day. But let's be honest. When was the last time YOU had 15-20k just laying around?

The reality of the end is making itself painfully evident. Ive done a pretty good job of trying to talk myself into being okay with whatever outcome. But today I feel like that's all Ive done. I don't know if I really believe what I'm saying.

I try to keep my faith strong and trust that GOD has plan for me and my family. But it's really hard when you want something so bad! But his reasons are better than mine.

Faith in GOD includes faith in His timing!

I guess we'll just see how labs go tomorrow...

The longest wait EVER!

I don't remember the wait being this long last time! and to think it hasn't even been a week yet.

At most times I feel like I'm handling it pretty well. Then there are moments like this, when Annika is in bed, the house is quiet and I'm left alone with my thoughts. Who left me alone with my thoughts?! Seriously?! Who ever it was grossly over estimated my will power. LOL

It is seriously taking all of my patience and will power to NOT pee on a stick every few hours. :)

Dear Thanksgiving,

I have a to-do list about a mile long in preparation for all of your festivities. However, if you could speed things along and get here already, I would be much obliged. As would my sanity.

Thank you,
Amanda "hopefully gestating" Gregory

This is it!

Today was the last ultrasound (pre pregnancy that is *hopefully*. Tomorrow is the big day. I am really excited and nervous. But good nerves!

We'll leave here around 930 am tomorrow and start the drive up there. Meanwhile I will be chugging water like a mad woman! Apparently there having a full bladder makes those little embryos want to cozy on in to my uterus. LOL

From what the nurse said, the transfer will be around 1230 or 1 pm and then we'll be there for a while before they send me off to bed rest for the next 24 hours.

We should be able to test (blood or POAS) right at Thanksgiving. I figure its pretty symbolic of our situation and helps to keep my head on straight.

We will be thankful no matter the outcome! Thankful to have a beautiful daughter who we absolutely adore. Thankful to have this opportunity to try for another. Thankful to possibly be pregnant!

Of course we appreciate all the positive thoughts and prayers people are willing to share with us! Thank you everyone for sharing in this journey with us.

Here's hoping for BabyDust!

Last Lupron shot-check!

I'm so excited!! I don't really have anything more to post than that. That's enough really. LOL

Ultrasound and lab work tomorrow. And then we start the Progesterone injections. Bigger dose, bigger needle, bigger target! LOL (FYI progesterone is a intramuscular vs subcutaneous shot).

I was poking around on some IVF boards earlier. It was a bit depressing instead od uplifting. I don't recommend it. Thank goodness for positive friends!

I booked our hotel in Spokane today for the bed rest next week. I got a super steal, which is always awesome! And I also made a potential ultrasound appt post positive pregnancy test. At first i was really excited about it, cause its so close and becoming a reality. But then I started to stress, thinking I don't want to jinx myself or get to ahead of myself. I'm telling you, this whole "excited but objective" thing is hard! I'm a planner. I love to plan. And since this time around I'm not working for a perinatologist, with u/s avail anytime, its a lot harder to go with the flow.

So I'm excited! I feel great! And we're just a mere 5 1/2 days away from transfer day!