So Ready for a Rendezvous

So as of this month, Matt has been listed for transplant for 1 year. They say average wait time is 6 months (unless of course there are extenuating circumstances as there were with another local girl).

If he were allowed to travel, we probably wouldn't go outside the Pacific Northwest anyway, but I really want to get away on a vacation with Matt. Possibly Annika too, but for sure a special getaway just for us love birds. Every time we get out of town now, its only to Seattle for doctor appts, and then back home again asap, to keep Matt and Annika both as comfortable as possible.

I hate feeling like we're being buried by the drudges of everyday life. Seriously if I hear him tell me he is out of clean socks one more time, I think I'll scream. And I'm sure he is tired of me telling him to turn the TV down. LOL

It seems every time I check my email, I'm getting some promo from Las Vegas hotels (from N & C's wedding) at such discount prices, etc... and it just makes me want to go again! This time with Matt! Oh we would have sooooo much fun together!

So I think I've decided that we all (all you friends out there) need to start saving our pennies for a "Matt got a transplant and now he can travel" fund and all go to Vegas to celebrate! I mean, if friends are willing to save and go for a wedding (which is the start of a new life) why wouldn't they be willing to save to celebrate a literal start of a new life??!!

Moving On...

Those first couple of days were rough. But I have an amazingly sensitive (though he may deny it if you ask him), thoughtful and supportive husband. I have a gloriously enchanting little girl. And I have the support and caring of so many wonderful friends and family.

It still stings some and I still have that longing. But overall I feel like I have adjusted pretty well to the concept that this isn't the time for us to have a baby. But that just means that there is something else on the horizon for us! And I'm pretty excited for what that could be.

I'm exploring the idea of going back to work. Hmmmm... maybe exploring is too active a term for it. I'm mulling it over right now. We'll see where that thought takes me. It may be (aka probably is) premature, as Matt and Annika both need cared for.

The holidays make you remember what it's really all about. Not the presents or the trees or the santas. Family and faith. That's what it's about. And how can you be upset or sad when your surrounded by love?

Happiness

Thank goodness I have this little miracle to keep my mind busy and off things I don't need to dwell on.

the lab results are in...

On Friday my HCG was 23, which was pretty low compared to what we would have liked to see. But it was still positive, so we remained cautiously optimistic!

But today when i went in for follow up labs, my HCG had dropped to 5. Meaning that i WAS pregnant, but it just didn't last.

It's pretty heartbreaking. We discussed what we would do and how we might feel if it worked or didn't work, but really hadn't even began to contemplate the risk of miscarriage.

We appreciate everyone's well wishes and prayers! This Thanksgiving we will count our blessings and cherish these moments that we have as a family.

Couldn't Help Myself...

I took a HPT. Okay I took 2. They were both negative. I know it's too early. But I just couldn't help it. The urge was too strong.

And now, even though I technically know it was too soon, my heart is heavy. I didn't cry the first time. I knew I was being silly. But today when I took the second test...I sobbed. It's really hard knowing that I might not have any more children. I literally have all my eggs in this one basket.

Yeah yeah yeah we could always do it again some day. But let's be honest. When was the last time YOU had 15-20k just laying around?

The reality of the end is making itself painfully evident. Ive done a pretty good job of trying to talk myself into being okay with whatever outcome. But today I feel like that's all Ive done. I don't know if I really believe what I'm saying.

I try to keep my faith strong and trust that GOD has plan for me and my family. But it's really hard when you want something so bad! But his reasons are better than mine.

Faith in GOD includes faith in His timing!

I guess we'll just see how labs go tomorrow...

The longest wait EVER!

I don't remember the wait being this long last time! and to think it hasn't even been a week yet.

At most times I feel like I'm handling it pretty well. Then there are moments like this, when Annika is in bed, the house is quiet and I'm left alone with my thoughts. Who left me alone with my thoughts?! Seriously?! Who ever it was grossly over estimated my will power. LOL

It is seriously taking all of my patience and will power to NOT pee on a stick every few hours. :)

Dear Thanksgiving,

I have a to-do list about a mile long in preparation for all of your festivities. However, if you could speed things along and get here already, I would be much obliged. As would my sanity.

Thank you,
Amanda "hopefully gestating" Gregory

This is it!

Today was the last ultrasound (pre pregnancy that is *hopefully*. Tomorrow is the big day. I am really excited and nervous. But good nerves!

We'll leave here around 930 am tomorrow and start the drive up there. Meanwhile I will be chugging water like a mad woman! Apparently there having a full bladder makes those little embryos want to cozy on in to my uterus. LOL

From what the nurse said, the transfer will be around 1230 or 1 pm and then we'll be there for a while before they send me off to bed rest for the next 24 hours.

We should be able to test (blood or POAS) right at Thanksgiving. I figure its pretty symbolic of our situation and helps to keep my head on straight.

We will be thankful no matter the outcome! Thankful to have a beautiful daughter who we absolutely adore. Thankful to have this opportunity to try for another. Thankful to possibly be pregnant!

Of course we appreciate all the positive thoughts and prayers people are willing to share with us! Thank you everyone for sharing in this journey with us.

Here's hoping for BabyDust!

Last Lupron shot-check!

I'm so excited!! I don't really have anything more to post than that. That's enough really. LOL

Ultrasound and lab work tomorrow. And then we start the Progesterone injections. Bigger dose, bigger needle, bigger target! LOL (FYI progesterone is a intramuscular vs subcutaneous shot).

I was poking around on some IVF boards earlier. It was a bit depressing instead od uplifting. I don't recommend it. Thank goodness for positive friends!

I booked our hotel in Spokane today for the bed rest next week. I got a super steal, which is always awesome! And I also made a potential ultrasound appt post positive pregnancy test. At first i was really excited about it, cause its so close and becoming a reality. But then I started to stress, thinking I don't want to jinx myself or get to ahead of myself. I'm telling you, this whole "excited but objective" thing is hard! I'm a planner. I love to plan. And since this time around I'm not working for a perinatologist, with u/s avail anytime, its a lot harder to go with the flow.

So I'm excited! I feel great! And we're just a mere 5 1/2 days away from transfer day!

T minus 1 week!

This time next Wednesday, I will be laying in a hotel room, on bed rest, hoping and praying those little embryos make a cozy little home in my cushy uterus!

Tomorrow is my last injection of Lupron. Which sounds great, except that I have to start the Progesterone on Friday. Which is a bigger dose, with a bigger needle, and its injected into my butt cheek, not my belly! Last time, Matt was really nervous giving it to me (as I do not have very good aim at my own rear end). So it will be interesting to see if he has the same response this time. Or will it be old hat? LOL

We have a busy busy week ahead of us! Friday is ultrasound and labs day in Spokane and we start new meds. Saturday we have dinner with friends. Sunday we're all going to Seattle. Matt and Dad are going to the Seahawks game, while Mom, Annika and I go shopping! Monday is CF clinic. Tuesday is ultrasound and labs in Spokane. Wednesday is TRANSFER DAY! Thursday we'll be headed home from Spokane and my day of bed rest.

WHEW! I'm really glad this week was clear, cause we need to rest up! LOL

I'm starting to get really really excited! I feel like I start blushing and beaming a little every time I start thinking about it. Its such an amazing feeling, I just want to soak it all in...

Lupron day 20 Estrace day 8

Well it's been 20 fast days already! Every day at 7 am I take pills and at 7 pm I do an injection and take pills.

It's really a breeze. But every time I get out the meds and the syringes etc, with it comes the excitement and anticipation, as well as the fear and stress! Which is then quickly followed by more excitement and anticipation. LOL its a vicious cycle i tell you!

We're now down to 1 week and 4 days until transfer day. Seriously?! Where the heck did the time go?! Now that we're down to crunch time, Matt and I have started talking about this whole 2 embryos vs 3 thing.

You know when we had the initial appointment and the dr told us he recommends transferring all 3, we were surprised that we even had 3 and if that's what the dr recommends, and he is the specialist, duh, go with what he says! But now.... the thought of even the chance of triplets is really daunting. Now to be clear, if all three took, a reduction is just not an option, so we really do need to think about this.

The statistics are 70% with a fresh cycle and 50% with a frozen cycle. So the reason the dr would recommend placing all 3 make sense, so to mention its kind of a, not waste but i cant think of a better term, to transfer 2 and have just 1 single embryo still frozen by itself, since if we were to use it in a later cycle it would be just one at 50%, so the odds aren't great.

So its all such a numbers game and I feel like the ratios and percentages are swimming around my head, and its starting to spin. We haven't made up ours minds yet. I'd like to talk to the nurse and or dr first. But at this very moment I'm leaning towards only doing 2. Of course that really is only good for right now, who knows tomorrow. LOL

Tomorrow is another ultrasound and lab work bright and early in Spokane. Every 5 days. It's weird, but I love all the anticipation I feel on those mornings that i have to get up at 4 to leave at 430 to be to a 7 am appointment in Spokane. Its special to me and reminds me of how much we want this.

***I believe GOD only gives us three answers to our prayers:
1."Yes"
2."Not Yet"
3."I have something better in mind"

Lupron Day 1

T-minus

1 and 1/2 days til i start injections! Wahoo! As if ordering the crazy expensive meds(not to mention NOT covered by insurance) didn't make it real enough, I called and paid for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle yesterday. whew! It was exciting and scary and thrilling all at the same time. And now I start injections on Monday.

I'm trying to be excited, but not too excited. It's actually a hard balance to strike! I think I'm doing a fair job.

FET is longer than than the fresh cycle. Last time I only had to do 2 injections for about two weeks, then the retrieval and transfer. This time, it's 1 injection for almost a month, and a pills several times a day.

Golly I cant believe it's here already. I feel like it was just a few weeks ago that I even made the appointment.

I'm so excited!

CAUTION: weaning in progress!

Well today is day 2 of weaning. We've had 2 nap times and 2 bedtimes without nursing. Although she woke up last night and was super upset about the lack of booby.

Aside from the obvious bittersweet feelings that I'm having, it was really hard not to just give her what she wanted! Especially at 1:30 in the morning! I don't know how to console a baby in the middle of the night without breastfeeding! So this is really a learning experience for me too.

Of course Matt is super supportive and reminds me that I'm doing a great job and we'll get through this with flying colors, just like everything else. It really helped me put things in perspective. This is temporary and will be over soon enough!

It's taken 2 days, but I'm finally engorged and a little uncomfortable. It really just lets me know, she really wasn't even nursing that much anyway, so it was time. I imagine by tomorrow or the next day, it will be gone all together.

sunday morning

and i'm torn as to whether I should watch football or go to the craft store. luckily the Seahawks dont play until 1pm, so in all actuality, I could do both.... But considering Matt, Annika and I are still in our pj's, it might be more realitic to just sucumb to staying home. Maybe I'll order pizza too. LOL

It's time again...

To start blogging!

Of course I really ought to blog more often anyways, but having a big (possibly) life changing occasion helps spur me into action!

Now that Annika is just over a year old, Matt and I have decided to try to get pregnant again! A couple weeks ago, we had an appointment with Dr. Robins for a consultation to get some detailed information and of course pricing (as most of you know, IVF is no cheap thing and cost is definitely of importance). To our surprise he told us we have 3 frozen embryos, not 2 like we've thought this whole time! And not only that, but he would suggest we use all 3 when we decide to do the FET (frozen embryo transfer). "It's time for twins anyways, right?" he says to us. LOL Matt and I about fell off our chairs! Well Matt almost did. I almost fell off the exam table. ;)

So we were thinking of either doing the November or January cycle. November would give us a due date of July 2011, and the kids would be exactly 2 years apart. I took it as perfect timing, so November it is!

It is all moving so quickly! I start injections on October 10th and then ultrasounds start and come mid November, they'll do the transfer and hopefully GOD willing, we'll get pregnant!

We have been so blessed with such an amazing little girl and we are so hopeful that we can have another child!

I am trying to do some last minute fundraising for the Great Strides walk to benefit Cystic Fibrosis!

this Friday the 23rd (yes VERY last minute!) we are having a Bunco tournament and we would love it if you could come or at least spread the word!

WHAT: Coed Bunco Tourney ($10 buy-in)
WHEN: Friday 23rd @ 6 pm
WHERE: Kennewick 1st United Methodist Church Gym (the big one in downtown Kennewick)

There will be lots of prizes for winners (gift certs), a $5 raffle for a gift cert for carpet cleaning with Continental Carpets worth $200, and a silent auction for many goodies (Scentsy, Lia Sophia jewelry, Canyon Lakes golf, Tiffany Parrish Photography and many others!)

we will also have childcare available there at the church to those who need it.

now we just need people to come, donate and enjoy themselves! Everyone is invited!! Even if you don't know how to play or have never heard of BUNCO please come join! The game is a blast and so so easy to learn!!! This event is open to friends, family, co-workers and the community.. so Please Please Please help spread the word and invite everyone you know!!

RSVP if possible for head count purposes.

i appreciate your help and if i don't see you on friday, then hopefully you can still donate here! http://www.cff.org/great_strides/dsp_donationPage.cfm?registeringwalkid=6874&idUser=290211

Every little bit helps!

Becoming a Dad - March 2010 - Connections - CF Foundation

Becoming a Dad - March 2010 - Connections - CF Foundation

The funniest girl

Annika has grown so much! She is 6 1/2 months now and it seems like she has especially rocketed since I have been home. She is and has been sitting up on her own since bout 5 months. In the last month her balance has really been spectacular! Just about the time I shoot my arms out to catch her, she recovers on her own and was able to reach the toy she was going for that, to me, seemed out of her reach.

She is pulling herself up from laying to sitting, and is quite quickly working on pulling herself from sitting to standing. She's not quite crawling yet. But getting there fast! She has this caterpillar like movement that she does all over the family room floor.

It's amazing! This cuddly little lump of flesh has grown so much, so fast! Now she's a little person that rolls around the room, expresses her personality and absorbs so much!

Is it possible that other parents love and enjoy their children as much as I do? It doesn't seem possible.

New Week, New List

Last night I started my new list for the week. I really like doing it this way! It helps me feel like I'm not just sitting around the house in my jammies not getting much done.

As the week goes on, I am always surprised at how much I actually added to the list! There are a few "roll over" tasks from last week, but man! I have to pace myself! LOL yeah right.

Now, Have I gotten anything done from my list today? uh, no. But I did go to Barnes and Noble and had lunch with a friend. So it is certainly not a wasted day. :)

Back to pre pregnancy weight!

That's right! those last pesky 5 lbs that stuck around for the last 2 months are finally gone!

Now I can set my sights on my goal weight! Another 15-20 lbs and I'll be there! It's really hard to lose weight while breastfeeding and entertaining an infant! Normally I would just diet and exercise, but babies and Matts kind of get in the way of that! LOL But I am super excited about Zumba and hopefully that will encourage me to work out despite being so busy.

Not much else on the blogging front for now. I'll consider that a good thing!

Now Ive set my sights on grocery shopping and heading to the bank!

Friday!

Today was a good day! One of my dad's coworkers has a daughter who is about to have a baby girl, and of course (my dad is just the cutest!) my dad brags about how mom and I are such bargain shoppers and we have such an overflow of stuff for Miss Annika. So she came over this morning and bought up all the stuff I had packed up and ready to take to Children's Attic!

Woo Hoo! I couldn't believe how much stuff we had that was brand new with tags still or not even out of the package!

So I'm thankful for our overflow. I'm thankful for having the overflow out of the house. And I'm thankful for an essentially uneventful Friday!

Excitement at Target

Well not so much "good" excitement.

In the midst of me checking of many of my "To-Do's" while we were shopping yesterday, Matt got a little dizzy and said his eyes felt weird. So he sits down and I take a look. One of his pupils is huge! The other was normal. I called the doctor.

The nurse says doctor wants a ABG (blood/gas) and the only place we can have that done is through the ER. labs don't do it, only RT (respiratory therapists) do it.

So after preparing to spend a few hours in the ER, we head over.

Long story short...no answers. But they don't think its anything to worry about. No head injury, so no biggee.

So today is going to be spent checking off the rest of my list. Hopefully....

6 months already!

Well technically Annika was 6 months old on the 10th, but yesterday was her 6 month check up. And of course that means shots. Holy moly does that mean shots! All her regular shots plus we started the flu shot. Did you know that when they first start flu shots, its a 2 shot series? Neither did I. So we started the seasonal flu shot yesterday and will go back in a month for the 2nd shot, and start the H1N1. Then back in a month for the second H1N1, and then back in another month for her 9 month check up!

I'm glad I made the decision to have all 3 of us in the same office, cause boy do they know us well! LOL

Previously Annika tolerated the shots OK. She cried and screamed a little, but I quickly solve that with a little boobie time. *Note to all new moms! Pre medicate with Tylenol and then bring them when they will almost be hungry. Shots are usually forgotten with food and cuddles!* This particular time, she was pissed! She wasn't in the best of moods today anyway, but this put her over the top! I make Matt hold her for shots and he said this time was awful. She was looking him right in the eye and crying. Poor baby girl and poor daddy.

But of course a little nursing solved it all. For Annika. Matt got no breast milk and was STILL talking about it when we got home. I wonder if he would have quit if I fed him too. LOL

I also bought some baby rice cereal yesterday. I figure she's 6 months, and I might as well start her on solids. Even though I am reluctant, simply for selfish reasons. So we mixed up a little soupy cereal for Miss Annika and gave it a try! She did great! There was more all around her mouth of course than inside. She kept trying to grab the spoon, not to feed herself, but so she could chew on the spoon! So with lots of camera flashes, we tried a bit of rice cereal.

Already this morning I can tell she is gonna be crabby. Its so out of character for her, I wonder if she notices it like we do? poor thing. I guess I'll just have to have the boobs at the ready! LOL

Boy oh boy do i have some blogging to catch up on!

Good morning all! So let me first start out by apologizing for my lack of blogging over the last few months. I was working full time in a job that was getting uglier by the minute, and trying to be a new mom. While i think i did a pretty good job, the blogging fell by the way side.

But I'm back! Enjoying the life of a stay at home mom! But now i feel like i have EVEN LESS time to blog. So these may be some pretty early morning notes.

So for the quickie reader's digest version, the last 4 months of our lives:

• Matt quit working due to his health declining and he was able to stay at home full time with Ms. Annika. He would bring her to lunch with me everyday so i could breastfeed and see my precious little girl.
• part of the reason i quit blogging was because i had a coworker who would monitor my blog. whether it was malicious or not, I'm not sure. what i DO know is that the relationship would get ugly later on.
• Matt and I moved in with my parents in preparation for the transplant.
• Matt is officially listed for transplant!
• Dr. Kates decided to retire as of Dec 31, 2009
• all hell broke loose at work the closer retirement came. The office politics were nearly unbearable! the lying sneaking and cheating were toxic.
• Dr. Halvorsen elected NOT to hire my mom or I on as part of his staff. (praise the lord!)
• The holidays were wonderful with so much to be thankful for!
• and finally, our last day at TCMFM came and was met with a locksmith changing the locks and one of the new staff members coming to meet the office. it was all so traumatic.
• i have been unemployed for 1 week now (which is where i plan to stay) and am totally loving my new life as a stay at home mom and wife! I am much busier now than i ever was working!

It's new to me and I'm trying to find a balance, with Annika's needs, my own "To-Do" list, and Matt's needs also. I am just so in awe of the way things have really been laid out perfectly for us. God truly has his eye on us. There is no way timing could be any more perfect.

This time, when I say, "more to come".... I mean it! Talk to you all tomorrow!